Why not me..

In order for you to read my story I need you to read this.

Really read this.

I need you to understand me. Understand me. Understand why not me?

We are getting ready for church again. Mum is getting us ready. All 6 of us. Dads waiting in the car.

Go sit at the front. The kids always sit in the front.

I don’t understand the Samoan language. I don’t understand this church. I don’t understand what he is preaching but, they are telling me to listen. What is he saying? What does he mean? Dad and Mum, Why am I here?

Hi my name is Anetta and I am 7 years old and I don’t know how to feel… As I watch my siblings play together I am left alone watching seasons and seasons of Anime.

I am not allowed to play with you. I want to play with you. But they do not want to play with me.

You are adopted. You are the black sheep. Am I adopted? What is a black sheep? Why are they so mean to me? We are siblings, this is normal. Is this normal?

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU.

Why are they so mean to me? Why am I so angry all the time? Why am I not like them? Why do I hate him? We fight. No trust me, we can fight.

I want to be better than you. I want mum and dads attention to be directed at me. I want to be the best in our family. You are always the best. Everyone loves you.

No one loves me like they love you. I want to be better. Better than you. You want to buy mum and dad a house. I want to buy one for them first!

When we go to school they talked about us. “Good morning, I heard you got into a fight again last night. Your brother has scratches all over him”.

I am proud of how I hurt you. Why am I proud of how I hurt you? I don’t care, I just know that I hate you.

Hi my name is Anetta, I am 10 years old and my older brother is sick. I need to give everyone their plates for dinner. 1,2,3,4…5 mums, dads and finally mine. He doesn’t want to eat tonight. Well, that’s odd. He usually eats the most. I’m not complaining, more for me. I want it. Hmm.. why aren’t you eating?

He’s not walking with us to school today. He’s been sick the last few weeks. Maybe he’s lying. He’s purple. John, you don’t look good. You have purple spots all over your body and head. John you look diseased. We laughed. We mocked him. Time to go. Bye John, going to school now, see you after.

PA ANNOUNCEMENT: “Can Anetta and Livingstone Pio please come to the office. Please bring your bags.”

Mum and Dad are at the office with the school principal. Hi Mum, Hi Dad, what are you doing here? Dads smiling talking to our principal. Our principal is smiling. Mum looks like she’s been crying. We get to go home early, my little brother and I are cheering. We leave.

Dad begins driving. It’s quiet. Mum starts crying.

Mum asks us, “Do you miss your brother?” . I reply, ‘Why mum? Why would we miss him?’. Mum “He’s gone, he’s not here anymore“. Begins crying harder. I look at my brother. ‘Livingstone, don’t listen to her, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He was just at home, what do you mean gone?’ Dad smiles softly whilst driving and says “Your brother has passed away.”

“Dad it’s not funny, I don’t believe you. I want to see him, you’re joking right?”. We are home. I swing open the car door as fast as I could. My older sister isn’t at school. She’s on the staircase out front of our home. She’s crying, but talking the phone. We pass her.

I begin to come up with a plan before we go in. I look at Livingstone, “Ok look, you go look in all the other rooms and I’ll look here. Find him!”

We scream out “JOHN… JOHN .. WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE THEY HIDING YOU, COME OUT… WHERE ARE YOU? ITS NOT FUNNY ANYMORE”..

I search here. Over there. Over here. Where are you John? Where are you hiding?

I look under his bed… and then I look up. I wish I did not look up. I’m on my knees and I see him. I see my dad. He’s crying. He’s coming towards me with open arms. “No… No.. this can’t be..No Dad, you never cry.. Why are you crying?”

Please NO .. NO .. NO. This isn’t right. I’m sorry John, I’m SORRY OK. Please god, let me say sorry, please!

GOD WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME?

GOD!!!! WHY NOT ME?…