This way of life..

Stop crying!! Please! Shh!! Stop i’m sorry!! Dads going to hear you!!.. It’s too late.

Dad. He’s coming… My hearts pounding.

I start crying. He hasn’t even done anything yet. I run.

He sits down on the couch. He looks calm. I can see him. I’m hiding from the kitchen.

I know whats coming. I went too far..I’m mumbling.. “I’m sorry dad. I didn’t mean to make him cry it was an accident”

Dad doesn’t care. He’s had enough. “Anetta…..come sit down in front of me now“..

I slowly walk over and sit in front of him, wiping the tears off my face.

I start pleading “Dad we were just playing, i’m sorry“.. i’m mumbling. He’s not looking at me yet.

He’s taking his belt off…

I start to cry harder. Fuck! What can i say?

“Dad, i’m sorry it was an acci..”

He hits.

It stings! I cry out and move back. He yells at me to “MOVE CLOSER!.”

I don’t want to.. He grabs my leg and pulls it towards himself.

He hits again..

and again..

and again.

He’s screaming at me. I’m not allowed to move.. but it hurts. Dad this hurts.. you’re hurting me!!!

Mum intervenes. “Dad that’s enough now”

He’s in a rage. She can’t stop him. Mum please do something.

He’s really mad at me this time..my body won’t stop moving.. i’m shaking.. I don’t mean to, i’m sorry dad.

It’s making him more angry.. his eyes are beaming. He yells “STOP MOVING”

He sees the extension cord…. I see it too. He stands up.

Please dad.!!

It’s too late…

Dads tired.. and starts crying. He looks at me and says.. “I do this because i love you“…

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As a child growing up in a Samoan household with a 5 other siblings, this was our way of life. We got tough love from both mum and dad because this was the only way they knew how to raise their children.

I recently spoke to my parents about their thoughts on hitting children. This way of discipline. We all agreed, we have been doing it wrong for a very long time and it needs to end.

As a result, “this way of life” created barrier instead of building a healthy relationship between myself and my parents. It made me angry and confused.

I was very fearful of my parents growing up and as a parent myself today, I know for sure this is not the relationship i want with my daughter.

This is just not happening in my household but this is happening everywhere and it needs to end.

It is OK for children to make mistakes. It is wrong for parents to correct mistakes with violence.

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Our Pacific Island Community need to do better to teach our children to use words and not violence. We have resorted to violence to be our resolution to all of our problems for far too long. We are guilty of encouraging our young men to fight each other instead of loving one another. We should be teaching our young men and women to identify their feelings, understand what’s happening in their life and encourage each other to speak about it. We don’t do this enough in our pacific island families.

I have attended a parental course to become a better parent for my daughter and to do better in the relationships with my family and friends. I am also proud to say i see a psychologist to speak about certain issues i can not speak to anyone else about. As an adult, this is not spoken out loud enough. The importance about taking care of our own mental health seems to have some kind of attachment with shame. This is not how it should be. It is just as if not more important than your physical well being.

The relationship my parents have with us today in comparison as to what we had as children, it is evident how much my parents have grown as individuals. They have learnt from their mistakes and have worked hard to improve their relationship with each and every one of us. We are more open with each other, more understanding with one another and have learnt to communicate with minimal judgement and no violence. My parents have faced the most difficult circumstances in life and despite their own individual challenges they are able to support us with minimal judgement and no violence. Therefore we have learnt to love each other in the same way.

I now speak to my parents openly about my relationships and all the chaos happens in my life. They speak to us openly about their fears and feelings and all the chaos in their lives. I can only hope this continues on for as long as possible. All i know is that they’ve done this because they love us. We can only do the same and move forward with our children. This is the better way of life.

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Parental course i completed a few years ago. Practices are still helpful to this very day.

https://www.relationshipsnsw.org.au/support-services/circle-of-security/