For some personal reasons i can not mention her name in this piece, however i will refer to her as daughter.
It’s important i start from the beginning…
Daughter was invited to a another girls birthday. Same class as she.
Invited on Wednesday. Daughter was too excited so, same day we bought her present. Same night we wrapped it.
The birthday was in 3 days.
Yay! its Saturday. We get our nails done and she buy’s an outfit.
We get to my parents house. Daughter gets changed.
I didn’t like what she put together. So i looked at her and asked “Do you really want to wear that?”
My sisters and my mother were all asking her this same question. “Do you really want to wear that?” as they were leaving to go shops.
Daughter looks upset. She looks at me, fighting back tears and says softly,
“Mum, i thought what i was wearing was good and now you are all asking me to get changed and now i feel ugly. Why can’t i wear whatever i want to wear? I thought i could have my own opinion and now you’re making me feel ugly. I don’t want to go anymore.” She can not fight them anymore.. she begins to cry.
My heart drops. I grab her into my arms realising, I have made a mistake.
“Daughter you are right. I am so sorry. You may wear whatever you like. We’ve still got to go because we’ve promised your friend you were going to go. I also know you are always the life of the party, come on lets go.“
It took another 10 mins of encouragement, a hug from grandpa and she was able to get into the car willingly. Still upset.
Softly she looks at me and says, “Mum, i still don’t want to go. Please don’t make me go.“
“Daughter, I promise when we get there, you will have so much fun and it will be worth it“.
We have arrived.
Daughter is holding her friends gift and leading the way into the house.
Her friends mother welcomes us inside and asks us both to sit down. There’s a room full of young girls and well dressed mothers.
I’m in my sweats. Immediately i’m thinking, why was i judging what my daughter was wearing before we got here.. and now i’m the one who should have gotten changed. I am well under dressed. I whisper to Daughter, “i’m so sorry about this morning. I was focused on you but i should’ve gotten changed. You look very nice. I’m sorry i’m not dressed.”
She dismisses what i say and stays by my side.
I do my best to socialize with the other mothers and make her feel comfortable.
She’s chatting with birthday girl.
We all begin to walk outside.
I am now watching her run around with 8 other girls. She is no longer upset. She’s in her element and she’s entertaining. She’s smiling and laughing. Everyone’s laughing.
My heart is begins to fill with happiness. I’m glad we came.
However… as i keep watch… i notice there’s 2 groups of girls. A group of 8 and a group of 4.
As i turn to my right and i see 3 girls roughly my daughter’s age and 1 much younger. The younger girl is watching her older sister talk to these other 2 girls who look like cousins.
I wonder what they’re talking about… I listen in.
One cousin speaks,”You are nothing but a pest! You are such a PEST!” She’s laughing.
I can see the older sister’s face. She’s becoming upset. She replies “You know what, I WISH I WASN’T EVEN HERE!“… Her younger sister is watching not saying a word.
I wait for the other cousin to reply…
She says “Why don’t you go!? Go tell your mum, to take you and go away!?” The other cousin starts to join in, “Yeah why don’t you…”
I intervene
“Hey! Stop! Don’t talk to her like that. Don’t say that. Leave her alone”
The cousins look at me, look at each other and walk away. The older sister runs away. Her younger sister follows.. I follow.
I find her. She’s hiding around the corner. She’s crying. Her sister is watching. No one else is watching.
I say, “Hey, are you ok? I’m happy you are here. It’s a good thing you’re here… Where is your mum? Would you like me to tell her what happened?”
She’s rubbing her eyes, she can’t look at me. She’s still crying.
“Sorry, keep crying. It’s ok to cry. I’ll be over there. (around the corner) When you’re finished then come and get me and you let me know. You’ve just gotta point out your mum for me.”
She nods her head. Her younger sister is looking up at me and smiles.
She’s finished..she comes up to me and says “It’s ok. Don’t worry about it. I don’t want to tell my mum.”
“Ok, if you say so. Hey, come meet my daughter. Play with her. She’s so much fun“. I yell.. “Daughter! Come and play with these 2 girls, they’d like to play with you“.
I’ve stopped her whilst she’s with her friends. She rolls her eyes at me and says, “Mum, you can go away now.“
“Please, just let these girls play with you.”
“Ok” She looks at the girls and says “Yeah come play with us!“
It’s time for cake.
I’m inside already. All the girls are coming inside now. The begin to surround the birthday girl and cake. They all stand with each other.
I see Daughter. I whisper.. “Daughter, come here” .. “What?” she replies. It’s loud.
I tell her what happened. “That’s why i asked you to play with them” She looks at me confused. “She called me a pest?” .. “No not you!.. the girl i told you to play with…. -_- don’t worry go to your friend and cut the cake.”
She’s standing next to the birthday girl and the girl who just got bullied. I watch daughters face. I read her lips.
She asks, “What happened? Did someone call you a pest?“.. The little girl nods. Daughter asks “Who? The girl over there?.. The little girl nods.
I watch my daughters face and she’s annoyed. She’s frowning. Her body language has changed. Her arms are crossed. She’s trying not to give it away.. but i can see your mind is going places.
We all sing.
“Happy Birthday to you...”
Cuts the cake. She runs towards me.
“MUM! You’ve gotta tell her parents. Tell them and talk to them!“.
‘Don’t worry. I will, but not right now. Just go and have fun. I don’t know who’s mum is who yet’.
“Hmm… ok“. The girls are calling her.. they want to play outside.
I’m getting bored. I want to play with these girls.
I go outside. I ask if we could play a game together, with the soccer ball. They all let me. It was so much fun!!
I notice again. There’ still 2 groups. Group of 10 and the 2 cousins.
Birthday girl’s mum calls me in, “Anetta, come inside and have tea with us. Let these girls play”... “Yeah no worries, i’m coming”.
I’m sitting close to the door. Daughter walks in.. and a group of 7 follow.
I peak outside. There are still 2 girls playing passes with the soccer ball. I see the 2 cousins also outside, playing by the plants.
I’m still sitting inside. Drinking tea and chatting with the other mums.
2 girls walk passed me… and straight to my daughter. All the girls are watching. Something doesn’t feel right to me…
I’m watching and i’m reading their lips.
“They did it again. They took a bunch of leaves and dumped it on Sarah and they began laughing at her.”
They’re telling my daughter.
Daughter is mad. “They did what!? Where are they? Lets go talk to them!”
I’m watching daughter. She’s marching by all the Mum’s and also by me. She’s outside and all 9 girls are following.
I stand up and grab Sarah’s hand and notice the leaves still in her hair. She’s the last one in the march. I look at her and say “Come on, lets go“.
I notice, the once was clear grass.. now has leaves scattered everywhere.
I watch daughter confront these girls and she says,
“How would you feel, If someone comes to your house and takes leaves off your tree and threw it on you? How would you feel if you were the one who had the leaves thrown at you?”
As i watch their expressions as daughter is speaking. I can see they are being dismissive.
I immediately Intervene with a stern voice. (If you’ve ever worked with me, you know exactly what voice this is)
“What you both did today was not right and it was not good at all! What you did to this young girl Sarah was not right. Both of you apologise to her right now!”
They look to their left and say “Sorry“..
I speak again.
“Her name is Sarah. You apologise to her properly and look at her when you say it. She’s standing over here and not ever there. Sarah come here. *I grab her hand gently and ask her to step forward*.
Now both of you apologise properly to Sarah!”.
They turn to Sarah and say, “I’m sorry Sarah”.
I turn to Sarah,
“Sarah, you do not let these people ruin your day today ok. Don’t you ever let people like this ruin your day. You still have a good day today ok.”
She looks at me and smiles.
Daughter isn’t finished. As i’m walking away with Sarah, i see daughter still talking to these 2 girls. All the girls are still surround them.
I intervene.
“Girls, that’s enough now. Go and play. Let these girls be.. go and have fun now. Like you should. Daughter.. that’s enough now, go and have fun please.”
They all begin to play again.
Shortly after this Sarah’s father came to pick her up.
I quickly caught up with him and told him about what had just happened. We both looked at Sarah and smiled as she hugged her younger sister. I reminded her of what i said earlier, she agreed. Her father thanked me and said “All it’s done was leave a scar. An emotional scar, but Sarah is tough. She’ll get through it“.
I went back inside and looked for my daughter. I saw her again talking to the cousins but one of them is now crying.
Her mum sees and asks what had happened. The girl starts to speak to her mum in her language. The mum begins to speak to the birthday girl.
All the girls are trying to explain to the mum, “We asked both of them to play with us. They refused to play with us. So we just played together instead”.
The mum understands and whilst she’s speaking to her daughter, her youngest son begins to vomit. I help her attend the little boy. We realised, this little cutie has eaten too much cake.
We laugh together about it and she thanks me for my kindness.
It was time to leave.
As i’m driving to drop off daughter to her cousins birthday, i asked,
“Why was the other little girl crying? Do you know anything about it?”
“Oh mum, i’ll tell you what happened…”
“I saw the girls were off colour. So i went up to them and asked Are you ok? She says to me, even if i wasn’t why would i tell you? .. I told her, Well you don’t have to be rude about it, you can just say you don’t want to talk about it…
And then i said “I don’t want you to take this to heart but to be honest, you both deserved to be told off. You should listen to what my mum says because you’ve made a mistake. You will never learn from your mistakes until you get told what it is. This is to make sure you don’t make the same mistake again”. Then mum, she started crying…
I looked at my daughter in disbelief..
She says, “Mum, they think it’s a game. What they were doing they think it’s a game and they were laughing when you told them the first time. The time will come when this game will end.. and their time was up today.“
We’ve all grown up with insecurities. Whether it’s from our own home, at school we learn these things from our surroundings. As social media grows and dominates my daughters generation, i made a decision as a parent to strengthen my daughters confidence and to take no bullshit from anyone. No matter who they are. Gratefully, Daughter also has family from my side as well as her fathers who are strong in mind.
It is so scary, this world we currently live in. As i watch her generation grow, i can only see it getting worse. As a parent, i know it’s difficult to pay 100% of the time. However, If you pay that little bit extra attention to your children…no matter where you are, no matter how tired you are…try.
You will be able to protect them from this cruel world. I was so proud as her mother, to witness her stand on her own 2 feet and protect her friends she just met. She only knew 2 other girls at this party, but she helped these girls like they were her family.
I am so blessed to be able to witness, my beautiful beautiful daughter.. may be able to handle this world she’s in without me.
My mind keeps going back to how our morning started..
Imagine if i had got mad at daughter.. for throwing a tantrum (yes, my stress levels were peaking)… didn’t admit it was my fault how she felt insecure about what she was wearing… Imagine if we didn’t go...
Memoirs of Anetta 